Becoming A Father

The bridge to ultimate responsibility

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In less than fifty days, I’ll be a parent.

I’m not nervous. I’m not worried.

I am a little disappointed in myself however for using “getting the house ready” as my excuse for not writing this weekend. I’ll be honest, things are happening, and finding a free hour is getting harder. And I know I have no idea.

Life has its seasons and I’m just entering a new one.

Before I wrote about becoming a new parent, I wanted to process the last few months. And now (I think) I have.

My recent writing reflects, in many ways, the shift taking place in me. Scratching at human nature; what exists beneath the digital facade, the noise, the tornado of ideas and issues that all weigh on us day-to-day.

What do we take for granted? What is special about our world, and what do I think diverts us from well-being in life? What are the core things I want to instill and encourage in our girl?

I was having a conversation with my wife recently about the seasons of life. What is the natural progression — as broad as it may sound — from a happy childhood to a revered elder in the community? As imperfect, busy, different people, how can we use what we do know, and lay a foundation for another human soul?

Interpreted loosely through our mutual interests in Carl Jung and Joseph Campbell, this is the summary of what we came up with on our car ride":

• Childhood: The world is endlessly new. Time doesn’t exist. The days are long. The ego is forming. You are integrating the social and emotional skills that you will rely on for the rest of your life. Pain caused by adults cannot be fully understood, which multiplies its harm.

• Youth: Between 16-25, you are compelled to step into the unknown world. I covered this in a recent post. It requires courage and a mind that is hungry for experience. An end of childhood idealism and naivety and a calling to experience the world. Its beauty and depravity. A time to have your heart broken, do jobs you don’t like, encounter people and places that frighten you, and go on adventures. This is the quest to find something worthy of bringing back to the community.

• Adulthood: Others see you as a contributing member of society. Your competence is energizing. You have learned enough to play the game. The pursuit of passion, connection with others in the community, solving problems, and starting a family. Time moves fast. Responsibility. If you fail, you fail others. This is where the mental toolkit you’ve developed either breaks or grows stronger.

• Patriarch/Matriarch: You are wise. Life slows down again. You play the role of a guiding hand over the family. You influence others to do well. You find joy in the small moments, the moments you’ve come to realize encompass life. You learn new things, spend time with friends, and explore your lifelong interests freely.

"Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them."

- Oscar Wilde

Each of these stages is marked by a transition. A bridge from Point A to B.

We either cross it, or we stay hovering around the same light.

We all know what this looks like.

There is nothing more pathetic than a 38-year-old man who spends three nights at the bar prowling for young co-eds; nothing more heartbreaking than an old woman who is cynical with unkept rage, reflecting on a career or life she could have had, living out each begrudging last day in front of the television.

This bridge is not easy to walk down, and so many of us just choose to stay put. We tell ourselves half-truths, and we do everything in our power to avoid thinking.

It’s frightening. One must imagine this path extending off the safety of the coast, pushing out into the fog.

And we seldom choose to walk over it without a shove.

Our biology, social systems, and culture control for this at an ancient level. We are seldom compelled forward by our own specific desires and judgment, though we may think we are. In reality, we’re acting off of years of subconscious note-taking. We feel like something is “off” about people who fall behind, who look down on children, who chase temporary pleasure, and who neglect relationships and friendships. We feel the pressure from others; our families, and our friends. The influence of the panopticon of voices around us, watching us at all times. When it’s not supportive, understanding, or coming from a place of earned wisdom, we turn away and convince ourselves that there is no truth in ugly words. If those in our life missed their path, it’s far more common we miss our own, simply out of spite.

But for most of us, we get there. Even if we’re a bit late.

These images and feelings stack up and cook inside of us. All in preparation for those destined conversations: “ So are you planning on having kids?” The conversations that move us over the bridge or make us flinch in anger.

When I got the news in January a chord of fear rang through me.

But my “better judgment” was lying. When I examined my feelings, I wasn’t afraid of being a parent, I was afraid of crossing the bridge.

The truth was in my gut, in those images of raising a family; not in my “logic” of needing slightly more money, or the house projects finished first, or one more year as just us.

I’d had outlined fiction in my head and now I had to put it on the page. From here on out, life is always going to be one level deeper and I am ready for it.

What I Want to Teach My Daughter

Nothing makes you question your own moral foundation, than imagining a precocious three-year-old asking you “Why do people die?”

I won’t have an answer to every question (I’ll defer to my Wife), and I’ll certainly learn to pick my battles, but I’ll have the good sense to pass on what I have learned.

As a man, I know I have the opportunity to be someone she always looks up to, who sets a good example for how a man should act in the world, and how she should be treated. To me, this is the greatest gift and responsibility I could ever imagine. I know she’ll tame me, open me up to a softer side of the world. And in turn, I can show her how to channel her emotions, mindset, curiosity, and energy into something that can shake it.

This list is an ongoing experiment. It’s a bit of what I’ve brought back from the unknown world. If you have any additions, please let me know:

• You alone are in control of your life: Resentment, anger, and cynicism don’t help you. If you don’t like your current circumstances, do something about it. Take the plunge. The only way to heal a mental virus is to shake it off through action and responsibility.

“It is not a man’s duty, as a matter of course, to devote himself to the eradication of any, even the most enormous wrong; he may still properly have other concerns to engage him; but it is his duty, at least, to wash his hands of it, and, if he gives it no thought longer, not to give it practically his support.”

-Henry David Thoreau

• Curious people are never bored: Every moment of the day is a learning experience. Watch people in line at the grocery store. Have a short conversation. Think of why the song goes to the bridge before the final chorus. These might sound trivial, but appreciating and questioning the small things leads to a good life. When you cultivate a sense of curiosity for the world around you, the knowledge you seek out willingly will feel like a drug.

“My alma mater was books, a good library.... I could spend the rest of my life reading, just satisfying my curiosity.”

-Malcolm X

• Satisfying work is engaging and energizing: Work is necessary. You can hate it but it won’t do you any good. Your first jobs aren’t supposed to make you rich, they’re supposed to help you grow as a person and learn how to cooperate with others. As your skillset grows, you can double down on the work that fuels your soul and mission in life.

“Never give up work. Work gives you meaning and purpose and life is empty without it.”

-Stephen Hawking

• Mental health is downstream from physical health: A broken body is a broken mind. You must nourish yourself and move. Stay in shape and always prioritize good rest, good food, and hard exercise. Health makes every aspect of life more enjoyable and meaningful.

“He who has health has hope and he who has hope has everything.”

-Arabian Proverb

• Read widely and be able to articulate your values: Take the time to develop a philosophy and set of guiding principles in life. Think about what you will tell your own kids. You won’t figure it out when you’re young so stay humble. Find friends who talk about ideas instead of people, and explore many different thoughts and philosophies. Question them, interrogate them; pull from the best, and leave the worst. The better the input, the better the output.

"If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking."

-Haruki Murakami

• There are too many people on this Earth to waste time with someone who is “pretty cool”: Good friends will support you through every season of life; bad friends can destroy you. Don’t waste your time with a relationship or friend who is misaligned with your interests, values, and goals. That doesn’t mean they should be like you, far from it. You should seek to develop many relationships, but be willing to draw the line when it compromises your best interests or values.

"Good friends, good books, and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life."

-Mark Twain

• Men and Women are different for a reason: Men and women are blessed with their own unique strengths and differences. Women tend to thrive in more people-oriented, nurturing roles. Overall, they are more empathetic; caring, family-focused, and detail-oriented. They are what make the home a home. They are the emotional heartbeat of the family, giving love, support, and wisdom in ways that men cannot. That is not to say you cannot drill for oil, or be a mechanic. Pursue what gives you fuel in life, but understand the broad differences.

"You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation."

-African Proverb

If you’re a parent and you’ve made it this far, I hope you can add some of your own wisdom in the comments.

What did you expect?

How did that change?

What wisdom did you have for your kids and what wisdom did they have for you?

As always, thanks for reading.

With love,

-Joe