This is a rather different observation, but one that feels connected: I have been dating for some time now and have been struck by the focus on "fun" and "excitement" and "chemistry" among the young ladies I match with (this is all done via dating apps, as is the case with most people these days). The idea that dating (and relationships) isn't fundamentally about fun, but is a drive to form pair bonds for the good of society, seems so foreign to the whole affair that I never even raise the matter. Again and again and again, I encounter young women who seem so accustomed to the idea that dating (and sex, and LIFE) is about personal fulfillment-not just above all else but to the complete exclusion of all else-that it has been striking and has honestly begun to be alarming. This applies to Muslim girls and 'wait-until-marriage' Christian girls as well. It seems to be a total cultural axiom. I can't speak to raising children but I know that romantic love is a long, and complicated, and sometimes unpleasant experience, but one that is still full of mystery and magic. You must sometimes invest time and care and effort to get the big payouts, so to speak. If you completely avoid discomfort and boredom and uncertainty in romance and strive to create relationships full of NOTHING but fun and excitement and "chemistry" you may miss out on beautiful things in life. Incidentally, I understand the dynamics of 'falling in love' and I think that's a wonderful thing, but the possibility of that seems somewhat smothered by the format of dating apps. People rarely fall in love via dating apps, so your choices might seem to be either: (1) choose a person and commit to them for some long period of time until you have come to know and begin to love them (2) ride the merry-go-round for years, searching for "chemistry," and returning to it whenever something troublesome or dull arises. The latter choice is not just more popular; it seems to be nearly the only one that's now chosen.
If this was just my experience and I looked around at a world of flourishing pair bonds I would attribute it to my personality or circumstances... but I'm reasonably attractive (according to the standards of women as I understand them) and-more to the point-these people aren't finding ANY relationships. These are also only matches from among the women who immediately express interest in children as well. I could imagine that the 'no kids' cohort is even more enmeshed in this trend... whatever it is.
Something is going on here and I'm not totally certain what it is.
Fascinating observation. I've heard very similar things from single friends. Looking forward to reading what you linked.
My hunch is that it's a result of a generational (and all consuming) misunderstanding and reconstitution of what qualifies for a fulfilling life. Many factors are at play. I could've written another 2000 words alone on the genesis of this in the 1960s. But even then, that barely scratches the surface
Wow, thanks for this exploration. I found your progression of ideas very compelling—much food for thought, because I have often found myself feeling both sides—worried about losing my 'drive', and also, worried about missing out on something substantial in life. The mixed messages we get in the media/personal life are so confusing sometimes, it feels like a tornado that you can't make sense of. Your blog post felt like a good source of reason, so thank you.
Thanks for the kind words Teodora. I worry about losing my drive as well. As writers, we cherish those quiet hours, and they become precious when we have kids. Still, I've found my output has significantly increased since we've had our daughter.
I have a 7 month old and in the lead-up to his arrival, I heard many of the same responses you listed at the opening of your piece. Very well done and a lot of food for thought.
Enjoyed this a lot, my wife and I are expecting our first child this summer and I've heard similar comments from other parents. The whole piece was great but those last 5 paragraphs were awesome. Good work
This is a rather different observation, but one that feels connected: I have been dating for some time now and have been struck by the focus on "fun" and "excitement" and "chemistry" among the young ladies I match with (this is all done via dating apps, as is the case with most people these days). The idea that dating (and relationships) isn't fundamentally about fun, but is a drive to form pair bonds for the good of society, seems so foreign to the whole affair that I never even raise the matter. Again and again and again, I encounter young women who seem so accustomed to the idea that dating (and sex, and LIFE) is about personal fulfillment-not just above all else but to the complete exclusion of all else-that it has been striking and has honestly begun to be alarming. This applies to Muslim girls and 'wait-until-marriage' Christian girls as well. It seems to be a total cultural axiom. I can't speak to raising children but I know that romantic love is a long, and complicated, and sometimes unpleasant experience, but one that is still full of mystery and magic. You must sometimes invest time and care and effort to get the big payouts, so to speak. If you completely avoid discomfort and boredom and uncertainty in romance and strive to create relationships full of NOTHING but fun and excitement and "chemistry" you may miss out on beautiful things in life. Incidentally, I understand the dynamics of 'falling in love' and I think that's a wonderful thing, but the possibility of that seems somewhat smothered by the format of dating apps. People rarely fall in love via dating apps, so your choices might seem to be either: (1) choose a person and commit to them for some long period of time until you have come to know and begin to love them (2) ride the merry-go-round for years, searching for "chemistry," and returning to it whenever something troublesome or dull arises. The latter choice is not just more popular; it seems to be nearly the only one that's now chosen.
If this was just my experience and I looked around at a world of flourishing pair bonds I would attribute it to my personality or circumstances... but I'm reasonably attractive (according to the standards of women as I understand them) and-more to the point-these people aren't finding ANY relationships. These are also only matches from among the women who immediately express interest in children as well. I could imagine that the 'no kids' cohort is even more enmeshed in this trend... whatever it is.
Something is going on here and I'm not totally certain what it is.
https://jmpolemic.substack.com/p/serenity-self-indulgence
Fascinating observation. I've heard very similar things from single friends. Looking forward to reading what you linked.
My hunch is that it's a result of a generational (and all consuming) misunderstanding and reconstitution of what qualifies for a fulfilling life. Many factors are at play. I could've written another 2000 words alone on the genesis of this in the 1960s. But even then, that barely scratches the surface
Wow, thanks for this exploration. I found your progression of ideas very compelling—much food for thought, because I have often found myself feeling both sides—worried about losing my 'drive', and also, worried about missing out on something substantial in life. The mixed messages we get in the media/personal life are so confusing sometimes, it feels like a tornado that you can't make sense of. Your blog post felt like a good source of reason, so thank you.
Thanks for the kind words Teodora. I worry about losing my drive as well. As writers, we cherish those quiet hours, and they become precious when we have kids. Still, I've found my output has significantly increased since we've had our daughter.
I have a 7 month old and in the lead-up to his arrival, I heard many of the same responses you listed at the opening of your piece. Very well done and a lot of food for thought.
Thank you Grant and congrats on the new addition to your family!
Enjoyed this a lot, my wife and I are expecting our first child this summer and I've heard similar comments from other parents. The whole piece was great but those last 5 paragraphs were awesome. Good work
A lot of important truth here. Thanks for sharing.